Ode to Bill

By Michael J. Legeros

So, just how *do* we take measure of the Great Historical Figures?  By
social, political, or culture changes they done wrought?  By a spirit
of charity, magnanimity, or unparalleled generosity??  By their cult of
personality and how many thousands, millions, or gazillions they've af-
fected???  For Yours Never Too Serious, I apply the Talk-Show Test:
but were they entertaining?  These recent weeks, as we've been saying
goodbye to William Jefferson Clinton-- or least goodbye to Bubba's oc-
cupancy of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue-- I've caught myself chuckling as
my mind replays the many colorful sights, sounds, and slams of eight
years past.  Bill and Hil, we may have know ye entirely too well, but
at least y'all confirmed what that Ancient Chinese have known for ages:
may you live in interesting times.  And were they ever!

In alphabetical order, or thereabouts:

  o Air Force One is looted
  o Anything involving the words "draft dodger," "gays in the
    military," or "Commander in Chief"
  o Betty Currie and the importance of hiring reliable help
  o "The Big Creep"
  o Bill sits before a live television audience and says he's
    not going admit a damn thing until he's ready
  o Bob Dole pushes Viagra
  o "Bubba"
  o But with Quayle gone, who will we make fun of?  Oh how lit-
    tle we knew...
  o By Anonymous
  o Campaign '00 - Clinton lets the Veep dig his own grave
  o Campaign '96 - Bob Dole speaks in the third person
  o Campaign '92 - Poor Admiral Stockdale
  o Choose your favorite conspiracy theory:  Waco, TWA, Vince
    Foster, Ron Brown
  o Cigar jokes for everyone!
  o Clinton and Dole are abducted by aliens and later sucked
    into space when Homer Simpson presses the wrong button.
    D'oh!
  o Clinton jogs, Letterman jokes
  o "The Clintonestas"
  o The Cuban Refuge Crisis
  o Didn't inhale
  o Does "People" magazine big favor by providing a decades-
    worth of "Whatever Ever Happened To" issues
  o Don Imus roasts
  o The economy was good, taxes didn't go up, the deficit went
    down, and we tried to make peace where we could
  o Eight years of terrific Top-Ten lists
  o "Elvis"
  o "The First Felon"
  o Government publishes the pornographic "Starr Report"
  o Guiliani bows and the fun's over before it starts
  o Has sax on national TV
  o He's a Rhodes Scholar!
  o Hilary decides, hey, I want to be a Senator!
  o Hillbilly jokes
  o How *will* we keep from giggling whenever we hear the word
    "intern?"
  o I beg your pardons
  o Internet-circulated "death lists" that would make Oliver
    Stone blush
  o "Is," and the meaning thereof
  o It was the best of Hilary hair; it was the worst of Hilary
    hair
  o James Carvell gets in everyone's face.  And then marries
    his Republican counterpart
  o Jimmy Carter's jealous, because he only *thought* about it
  o John Huang and, no, he's not a porn star
  o John Travolta played him in a movie
  o Joycelyn Elders, give her a hand
  o Ken Starr's appropriate physical resemblance to a weasel
  o Late-night writers get eight-year free lunch
  o Like her boss, Janet Reno doesn't budge on a damn thing ei-
    ther
  o Linda Tripp, or was it really just John Goodman in a wig
    all along?
  o Madeline Albright revealed as first human clone created
    from DNA of Joe Pesci and Winston Churchill
  o McDonald's best endorsement ever
  o "Nobody Nose The Trouble I've Seen," future autobiography
    of Paula Corbin Jones
  o People didn't just *dislike* him, they *hated* him
  o Personalities who are bold in public are also bold in pri-
    vate.  Gee, there's a surprise
  o Poor Al Gore.  Has anyone located his personality yet?
  o Pornographer Larry Flynt publishes "The Flynt Report"
  o Roger Clinton brings back warm-beer memories of Billy
    Carter
  o Ross Perot's charts
  o Ross Perot's ears
  o Rush Limbaugh astounds scientific community by becoming
    first radio talk-show host to almost implode from sheer ex-
    asperation
  o Scandals a go-go!  Adultery!  Harassment!  The Lincoln bed-
    room!  Staff firings!  Land dealings!  Missing files!  Re-
    turned files!  Buddhist monks!  Presidential love children!
  o Scary Webb Hubbell
  o Shutdown, scandal, congressional hearings, and the *other*
    guy gets ousted
  o Soccer moms are suddenly a demographic
  o Socks the cat, AKA Pussy One
  o So how did he ever keep his hands off Tipper?
  o The Speaker rides in the back
  o Stephanopolis.  He's Greek
  o Steve Forbes doesn't blink
  o "Subliminable"
  o Susan McDougal sits in jail
  o That hoarse, raspy, and so-easy-to-impersonate voice
  o Things he didn't do:  barf on a foreign leader, joke that
    bombing starts in five minutes, call someone a major-league
    a**hole
  o Those running shorts!  Those pasty white thighs!
  o Trailer-park jokes
  o Vast right-wing conspiracy
  o Vernon Jordan tell "60 Minutes" what they really talk about
  o Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass"
  o Watches movies, we're told
  o Watching the world's bemused reaction to the Puritanical
    States of America
  o We never *are* told why it isn't pronounced "Ark-kansas"
  o What exactly is a "Newt?"
  o White House typewriters and the letter "w"
  o Wife despised for pushing... health-care plan
  o "Willie"
  o "Slick Willie"
  o The Women:  Babs, Beth, Bobbie Ann, Connie, Cristy, Deb-
    orah, Debra, Dolly, Eleanor, Elizabeth, Gennifer, Jo, Jua-
    nita, Kathleen, Lencola, Marsha, Monica, Paula, Regina,
    Robyn, Sally, Shelia, Susan, and Hil

Copyright 2001 by Michael J. Legeros