Living Hell - Volume #1, Issue #20


December 31, 2001

Special End-of-Year Edition!


  o Best of Film
  o Best of Music
  o Best of Print
  o Best of Television
  o Best Letterman Moments
  o Best Christmas Presents
  o Best Travel Destinations
  o Best *Positive* Outcomes of September 11
  o Best Reasons to March Right Down and Vote Your School Board Out
  o Best Boneheads
  o Best Anecdotes

Best of Film

  1. "Hannibal"

  2. "Hannibal" (second viewing)

  3. "Hannibal" (third viewing)

  4. ?

  5. ?

  6. ?

  7. ?

  8. ?

  9. ?

 10. Can't remember anything else seen and liked, back before The
     Big Change(tm)

Best of Music

New or newly discovered...

  1. Ozzy Osbourne, "Down to Earth"

  2. Rob Zombie, "Sinister Urge"

  3. Rob Zombie, "Hillbilly Deluxe" (1998)

  4. White Zombie, "Supersexy Swingin' Sounds" (1996, remixes)

  5. White Zombie, "Astro-Creep 2000" (1995)

  6. Sarah Brightman, "Classics"

  7. Olivia Newton-John, "Magic" (compilation, you gotta problem
     with that?)

  8. Chet Atkins, "Christmas with..."   /

     Mitch Miller, "Holiday Sing Along with..."  (tie, both 1961)

  9. Judas Priest remasters (8 of 12 released so far)

 10. Al Hirt, "The Al Hirt Collection Featuring 'Beauty and the
     Beard' with Ann-Margret" (1997)

Best of Television

Primetime, syndicated, and anywhere in-between...

  1. "The Late Show with David Letterman"

  2. "The Simpsons"

  3. "60 Minutes"

  4. "Seinfeld" reruns at 7

  5. "Seinfeld" reruns at 11

  6. See #1

  7. See #2

  8. See #3

  9. See #4

 10. See #5

Best of Print

In vague thematic order...

  1. "BASTARDS!," San Francisco Examiner headline, September 12,
      2001 (see http://www.september11news.com/USAPapers3.htm)

  2. "Brotherhood," Frank McCourt (Introduction), Rudolph W. Giu-
      liani (Introduction), Thomas Von Essen (introduction), Amer-
      ican Express Publishing, New York, 2001 *

  3. "Fire! - The 100 Most Devistating Fires And The Heroes Who
      Fought Them," Edward C. Goodman, Black Dog & Leventhal,
      New York, 2001 **

  4. "Air Disaster, Volume 4 - The Propeller Era," Macarthur Job,
      Juanita Franzi (Artwork), Aerospace Publications, Fyshwick,
      Australia, 2001

  5. "The Gospel According to The Simpsons - The Spiritual Life
      of the World's Most Animated Family," Mark I. Pinksy, Tony
      Campolo (Foreword), Westminster John Knox Press, Louisville,
      KY, 2001

  6. "The Simpsons And Philosophy - The D'oh! of Homer," William
      Irwin (Editor), Mark T. Conrad (Editor), Aeon J. Skoble
      (Editor), Open Court, Chicago and La Salle, IL, 2001

  7. "Industrial and Private Fire Apparatus, 1925-2001 Photo Ar-
      chive," Leo E. Duliba, Iconografix, Hudson, WI, 2001

  8. "Wildland Fire Apparatus, 1940-2001 Photo Gallery," John H.
      Rieth, Iconografix, Hudson, WI, 2001

  9. "The Dark Knight Strikes Again," issue #1, Frank Miller, Lynn
      Varley, DC Comics, New York, 2001 ***

 10. "You Are Being Lied To - The Disinformation Guide to Media
      Distortion, Historical Whitewashes, and Cultural Myths,"
      Russ Kick (Editor), The Disinformation Company, New York,

  * - photo tribute to FDNY, hardcover, 240 pages
 ** - includes great 1922 fire in New Bern, NC
*** - issues #2 and #3 not yet published

Best Letterman Moments

  1. His "nine eleven" rant

  2. Top Ten Complains of..., as translated from Arabic

  3. "It ain't Oprah, 'till it's Oprah"

  4. Martha Stewart looking sultry

  5. Kevin Spacey impersonating Johnny

  6. Any joke involving "squirrels," "rubbing," and "nuts"

  7. Anything Regis

  8. Mariah Carey's dress

  9. Biff Henderson's backside, squatting into camera while pushing
     map pins

 10. Top brass in Islamic drag

Best Christmas Presents

  1. Magnetic, reflective "car Christmas lights" (such a novel nov-
     elty, in fact, that half were subsequently stolen...)

  2. G.I. Joe "Search and Rescue Firefighter" action figure

  3. Panasonic DVD player

  4. "20th Century" and "Nuclear Cowboy," pair of albums from hard-
     rocking axe man slash Phil Lynott sounding singer John Sykes,
     finally available in United States (exchanged from book from
     same store)

  5. Ceramic, electric-lit miniature firehouse

  6. Framed montage of family photos (thanks Lisa!)

  7. Giant, water-expanding black spider (future Halloween accou-

  8. Code 3 Collectibles, 1:32 scale, die-cast replica of American
     LaFrance Eagle "squirt" fire engine (gift to self)

  9. Discovery of super-cool Japanese fire apparatus photo sites on
     Christmas morning (gotta do *something* while waiting to open

 10. Eligor, 1:43 scale, die-cast replicas of French fire vehicles,
     Renault van and Scania water tanker (also gift to self)

Best Travel Destinations

  1. Washington National Cathedral

  2. Baltimore-Washington International Airport fire station

  3. Baltimore Convention Center, for Emergency Services Expo (see

  4. Library of Congress, The

  5. Arlington National Cemetery

  6. Blue Ridge Parkway in October, but of course

  7. Currituck Beach lighthouse

  8. Currituck Beach lighthouse gift shop (travel companion's pick)

  9. Spencer Shops, AKA North Carolina Transportation Museum

 10. Washington Monument, for naughty picture-taking (see http://, must
     be 18 or older to view)

Best *Positive* Outcomes of September 11

  1. Insipid local "sports talk" radio shows preempted by news

  2. Insipid local radio newscasts preempted by *network* news

  3. Same for local *television* news, also insipid

  4. Lightweight local Sunday paper actually worth reading

  5. Same for disposable weekday editions

  6. Syndicated radio talk shows suddenly *way* more interesting

  7. Syndicated radio talk show suddenly hosts *way* more humble

  8. Idiot callers to said syndicated shows easier to spot than

  9. Local sporting events cancelled, thus negating highly annoy-
     ing *preempting* of said syndicated shows

 10. Local copies of "New York Times" now *exceptionally* easy to

Best Reasons to March Right Down and Vote Your School Board Out

True stories, I swear...

  1. Lindsay Brown, graduating senior, handcuffed, charged with
     felony, and barred from ceremony, after kitchen knife found
     in car, after falling out of moving box (Estero, FL)

  2. Amanda Williams, eighth grader, suspended for nine days for
     making jokes about drinking wine while drinking grape juice
     (Gwinnett County, GA)

  3. Aaron Petit, junior, suspended for ten days for placing post-
     ers on locker depicting planes dropping bombs on foreign coun-
     try (Cleveland, OH)

  4. Unnamed student, freshman, suspended for ten days after for-
     getting to leave pellet gun home, realizing same, and immedi-
     ately handing over at school office (West Carrollton, OH)

  5. Paul Volz, fifth grader, suspended for three days after draw-
     ing picture of World Trade Center attack and, when asked rea-
     son for same by principal, simply smiled (St. Louis, MO)

  6. Jeremy Hix, senior, expelled for attending prom wearing tra-
     ditional Scottish outfit, complete with small knife known as
     "sgian dubh" in top of sock (Lansing, MI)

  7. Raleigh Walker III, third-grader, suspended for three days for
     drawing picture of armed soldier (West Monroe, LA)

  8. Unnamed student, fifth-grader, handcuffed and taken into cus-
     tody after drawing picture of gun (Tampa, FL)

  9. Hunter Marner, high-schooler, suspended for fourth months af-
     ter father leaves razor blade and pocketknife in car (Eufala,

 10. Christopher Kissinger, first grader, suspended for three days
     after pointing breaded "chicken finger" at teacher and saying
     "pow, pow, pow" (Jonesboro, AK)

Best Boneheads

  1. John Ashcroft, for meddling in assisted suicide laws

  2. Tom Daschle, for bill-killing on Senate floor

  3. Al Gore, for not demanding a *statewide* recount (carried
     over from 2000)

  4. Jesse Helms, for not retiring sooner

  5. Rudy Giuliani, for momentary misstep, pushing for exception
     to New York City election rules

  6. Gary Condit, for deceptive practices (albeit creating fine
     fodder for late-night comedians in the process...)

  7. The Airlines, for *years* (decades?) of complaining about
     security costs

  8. Anyone overreacting to anthrax or stem-cell research

  9. Anyone discriminating against Middle-Easterners

 10. Three words: zero tolerance proponents

Best Anecdotes

  1. Learning flight attendant brother rode one of the hijacked
     planes *into* Boston on September 11, his birthday

  2. Comparing prom photos with new girlfriend and discovering
     amazing resemblance between self and Sweetie's date (see
     http://www.legeros.com/julie/prom.shtml) and then, one month
     later, being waited upon in Morehead City, both of us, by
     *my* prom date

  3. Leaving Morrisville outlet mall and finding car, bought new
     a couple months prior, parked but a few feet away from my

  4. Exclaiming in Barnes and Noble, in presence of book-reading
     teen bent over with half her panties exposed, "today must be
     pink underwear day!"

  5. Returning to vet, to pick up cat, and stating in best possible
     deadpan at counter, "I'm here to pick up my pussy"

  6. Shaving said pussy for first time and, after cleansing wounds,
     realizing necessity for second pair of hands

  7. Strapping green, cigarette lighter-lit space alien into back
     seat of car during entire month of October

  8. Strapping red, cigarette lighter-lit Santa Claus into back
     seat of car during entire month of December

  9. Learning of Great Male Fear(tm) made real:  pair of ex-girl-
     friends recognizing each other at airport and chatting before
     boarding same flight.  Yikes!

 10. Becoming an uncle (see: http://www.legeros.com/fof/nicholas/)

Copyright 2001 by Michael J. Legeros



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