Living Hell Extra! ================== Saturday Night at the Longbranch -------------------------------- 9:05 p.m. - Arrival 9:10 p.m. - Acclimation 9:15 p.m. - First pair of leather pants spotted. Black 9:16 p.m. - First pair of vinyl pants spotted. Red 9:17 p.m. - Mechanical bull in corner being ridden. Yelled yee- haws or breaking-bone sounds not audible above music 9:18 p.m. - First vinyl skirt spotted. Also red 9:19 p.m. - Mechanical bull now motionless. Rider's fate unknown 9:20 p.m. - Number of cowboy shirts with US or Texas flag patterns observed in immediate vicinity: 2 Number of men with crew-cuts: 3 Number with shaved scalps: 4 9:21 p.m. - First bra-less barmaid spotted. Titillating 9:22 p.m. - Dance floor occupied with ten couples two-stepping, seven individuals line-dancing, and one two-some swing-dancing 9:23 p.m. - Number of attendees talking on cell phones: 1 Number of attendees playing pool: 4 Number of pool tables in room: 3 9:25 p.m. - Attempt first line dance of evening, to song titled and/or about "Trashy Women" 9:27 p.m. - Exit dance floor after realizing performed dance is entirely different from expected dance 9:28 p.m. - Assure self that everyone looks like a fool on "the floor" every now and then 9:29 p.m. - Number of cowboy hats observed in immediate area: 24 Percentage as worn by men versus women: 80/20 (est.) 9:31 p.m. - Finish second and third dances of evening, waltz and subsequent east-coast swing to song "Long-Legged Han- nah (From Butte Montana)" with long-legged Alys (From Fort Lauderdale) 9:32 p.m. - Unnamed band begins playing 9:33 p.m. - Unnamed blonde asked to dance. She exclaims "Are you a good lead!?!?" I reply "I sure hope so!!!!" 9:36 p.m. - Toes numb, as usual. Always happens during first hour wearing cowboy boots 9:37 p.m. - Fail to find follow-up partner. Spend second half of next song standing to side and counting number of rip- ples in large-sized woman's small-sized blouse 9:40 p.m. - Unnamed band now singing about a "real good woman like you" 9:41 p.m. - Percentage visibility through cigarette haze: 93 VFR bar rules still in effect 9:42 p.m. - Second bra-less bar-maid spotted. In hindsight, ap- pears sans underwear altogether. End distraction 9:43 p.m. - Number of couples on dance floor standing 'n' swaying to slow song: 17 Number of couples grabbing one or the other member's ass: 1 9:45 p.m. - Drummer of unnamed band sitting behind Plexiglas-look- ing protective shield. Memories of "Rawhide" and the movie "The Blues Brothers" flood forth 9:46 p.m. - Count twenty-nine neon lights above the various bars. That's a lot of gas 9:47 p.m. - Resume trawling for dance partners 9:48 p.m. - First female shoulder tattoo spotted First "Hello North Carolina!" shouted from stage 9:49 p.m. - Approximate average length of hair of female patrons: one inch below shoulder Approximate average amount of cleavage shown: 0.25 titty 9:50 p.m. - Price of bull ride, as noted on sign on pole I'm lean- ing against: $5.00 Price of pictures of bull ride: $5.00 and up 9:51 p.m. - Sound quality of unnamed band bites. Can only hear beat and every third lyric. Appears to be country music 9:52 p.m. - First platinum blonde slash snakeskin jacket combina- tion spotted 9:53 p.m. - Number of mirrored balls hanging above dance floor: 2 Types of other objects hanging above: spotlights, fluorescent lights, ceiling fans, sprinkler heads, and one dozen errant party balloons 9:54 p.m. - Short interlude for more dancing and clammy encoun- ter with woman's sweaty neck 10:01 p.m. - Percentage humidity of own forehead: 77 Pulse rate: 110 10:02 p.m. - Number of frowning, scowling, or otherwise unhappy- looking people observed in immediate vicinity: 8 10:06 p.m. - Products advertised above urinals in men's restroom: cars, trucks, cigars, resort hotels, and someone se- eking old GI Joe dolls 10:07 p.m. - Slight pause while hero attempts another line dance, to song "God Bless Texas," with best rebel yell yel- led right before the final verse 10:11 p.m. - Unnamed band now singing about "a little less talk and a lot more action" 10:13 p.m. - First female above-butt tattoo spotted. Belts ob- viously in short supply these days 10:15 p.m. - Dance half a song with tall redhead with lipstick smeared teeth and cold, clammy "beer hands" 10:17 p.m. - Unnamed band performs cover of Lynyrd Skynyrd song. Resulting couples include two women dancing with each other 10:18 p.m. - Short woman with short hair stops me and ask my name and insists I'm a dead-ringer for her younger broth- er Tom. It's good to have a twin 10:22 p.m. - Items for sale in vending machines in men's restroom: chewing gum, breath mints, aspirin, cologne, and con- doms 10:23 p.m. - Attempt another line dance, to song "Cotton-Eyed Joe." Observe upper-body bouncing in certain patrons not wearing undergarment anatomical support devices. I decline to complain to the management 10:27 p.m. - Dance last dance of evening 10:32 p.m. - Departure Copyright 2002 by Michael J. Legeros Home Search Mike Legeros Copyright 2023 by Michael J. Legeros