Living Hell Extra!

Saturday Night at the Longbranch

9:05 p.m. - Arrival

9:10 p.m. - Acclimation

9:15 p.m. - First pair of leather pants spotted.  Black

9:16 p.m. - First pair of vinyl pants spotted.  Red

9:17 p.m. - Mechanical bull in corner being ridden.  Yelled yee-
            haws or breaking-bone sounds not audible above music

9:18 p.m. - First vinyl skirt spotted.  Also red

9:19 p.m. - Mechanical bull now motionless.  Rider's fate unknown

9:20 p.m. - Number of cowboy shirts with US or Texas flag patterns
            observed in immediate vicinity:  2

            Number of men with crew-cuts:  3

            Number with shaved scalps:  4

9:21 p.m. - First bra-less barmaid spotted.  Titillating

9:22 p.m. - Dance floor occupied with ten couples two-stepping,
            seven individuals line-dancing, and one two-some

9:23 p.m. - Number of attendees talking on cell phones:  1

            Number of attendees playing pool:  4

            Number of pool tables in room: 3

9:25 p.m. - Attempt first line dance of evening, to song titled
            and/or about "Trashy Women"

9:27 p.m. - Exit dance floor after realizing performed dance is
            entirely different from expected dance

9:28 p.m. - Assure self that everyone looks like a fool on "the
            floor" every now and then

9:29 p.m. - Number of cowboy hats observed in immediate area:  24

            Percentage as worn by men versus women:  80/20 (est.)

9:31 p.m. - Finish second and third dances of evening, waltz and
            subsequent east-coast swing to song "Long-Legged Han-
            nah (From Butte Montana)" with long-legged Alys (From
            Fort Lauderdale)

9:32 p.m. - Unnamed band begins playing

9:33 p.m. - Unnamed blonde asked to dance.  She exclaims "Are you
            a good lead!?!?"  I reply "I sure hope so!!!!"

9:36 p.m. - Toes numb, as usual.  Always happens during first hour
            wearing cowboy boots

9:37 p.m. - Fail to find follow-up partner.  Spend second half of
            next song standing to side and counting number of rip-
            ples in large-sized woman's small-sized blouse

9:40 p.m. - Unnamed band now singing about a "real good woman like

9:41 p.m. - Percentage visibility through cigarette haze:  93

            VFR bar rules still in effect

9:42 p.m. - Second bra-less bar-maid spotted.  In hindsight, ap-
            pears sans underwear altogether.  End distraction

9:43 p.m. - Number of couples on dance floor standing 'n' swaying
            to slow song:  17

            Number of couples grabbing one or the other member's
            ass:  1

9:45 p.m. - Drummer of unnamed band sitting behind Plexiglas-look-
            ing protective shield.  Memories of "Rawhide" and the
            movie "The Blues Brothers" flood forth

9:46 p.m. - Count twenty-nine neon lights above the various bars.
            That's a lot of gas

9:47 p.m. - Resume trawling for dance partners

9:48 p.m. - First female shoulder tattoo spotted

            First "Hello North Carolina!" shouted from stage

9:49 p.m. - Approximate average length of hair of female patrons:
            one inch below shoulder

            Approximate average amount of cleavage shown:  0.25

9:50 p.m. - Price of bull ride, as noted on sign on pole I'm lean-
            ing against:  $5.00

            Price of pictures of bull ride:  $5.00 and up

9:51 p.m. - Sound quality of unnamed band bites.  Can only hear
            beat and every third lyric.  Appears to be country

9:52 p.m. - First platinum blonde slash snakeskin jacket combina-
            tion spotted

9:53 p.m. - Number of mirrored balls hanging above dance floor:

            Types of other objects hanging above:  spotlights,
            fluorescent lights, ceiling fans, sprinkler heads,
            and one dozen errant party balloons

9:54 p.m. - Short interlude for more dancing and clammy encoun-
            ter with woman's sweaty neck

10:01 p.m. - Percentage humidity of own forehead:  77

             Pulse rate:  110

10:02 p.m. - Number of frowning, scowling, or otherwise unhappy-
             looking people observed in immediate vicinity:  8

10:06 p.m. - Products advertised above urinals in men's restroom:
             cars, trucks, cigars, resort hotels, and someone se-
             eking old GI Joe dolls

10:07 p.m. - Slight pause while hero attempts another line dance,
             to song "God Bless Texas," with best rebel yell yel-
             led right before the final verse

10:11 p.m. - Unnamed band now singing about "a little less talk
             and a lot more action"

10:13 p.m. - First female above-butt tattoo spotted.  Belts ob-
             viously in short supply these days

10:15 p.m. - Dance half a song with tall redhead with lipstick
             smeared teeth and cold, clammy "beer hands"

10:17 p.m. - Unnamed band performs cover of Lynyrd Skynyrd song.
             Resulting couples include two women dancing with
             each other

10:18 p.m. - Short woman with short hair stops me and ask my name
             and insists I'm a dead-ringer for her younger broth-
             er Tom.  It's good to have a twin

10:22 p.m. - Items for sale in vending machines in men's restroom:
             chewing gum, breath mints, aspirin, cologne, and con-

10:23 p.m. - Attempt another line dance, to song "Cotton-Eyed
             Joe."  Observe upper-body bouncing in certain patrons
             not wearing undergarment anatomical support devices.
             I decline to complain to the management

10:27 p.m. - Dance last dance of evening

10:32 p.m. - Departure

Copyright 2002 by Michael J. Legeros


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