Living Hell - Volume #2, Issue #1


Special Belated Post-New Year's Edition!

January 15, 2001


  o Crime Scene Photo and Mug Shots
  o Pretzel Bag Warning Labels
  o FDNY and FAJ
  o Coda


The Disassociated Press

Published: January 6, 2001

Raleigh, North Carolina (DP) - An attempt at self-barbering last
week took a dramatic, if not entirely unexpected turn, when an
unnamed Raleigh resident's pair of electric clippers "slipped."

Horrified girlfriend Julie Gresens notes "he called me after ar-
riving at work and said 'I have some good news and some bad news.'
The good news being he had a haircut; the bad news that he had it
all cut!"

Witnesses confirmed the victim's shorn status Wednesday as he made
the rounds at work, poking his cropped top into offices and tempo-
rarily blinding coworkers while exclaiming "Lex Luthor, greatest
criminal mind of our time!"

Others reported seeing him wearing a ball cap, but without the
trademark thick, black, matted hair underneath.

Subsequent investigation of the North Raleigh crime scene showed
signs of a struggle, with congealing clumps of hair found on the
floor, on the walls, and inside both the toilet and sink.

Investigators are still recreating the exact sequence of events,
to determine both the number and severity of "clipper slips" re-
ported by the victim.

Comments local psychology expert Lyon Couch, "victims of so-called
'clipper crimes' often intend for such outcomes to occur, as they
secretly desire said follicle-challenged state."

Adds Ms. Gresens "he looks different, but I'm getting used to it.
I just hope that, when asked, he'll refrain from telling people he
had a bad case of head lice."

Crime Scene Photo and Mug Shots

See http://nina.pagesz.net/~stimpy/head/

Pretzel Bag Warning Labels

  o caution! contains pointy edges!

  o caution! contains salty edges!

  o instructions: eat pretzel, *then* drink beer

  o do not inhale

  o do not attempt to straighten

  o alternate instructions:  drink beer, *eat* pretzel

  o do not dip in kerosene or other petroleum products

  o may cause thirstiness

  o salty side up

  o crunching may result in spousal grumpiness when consumed in
    bed before sleep

  o chew before you swallow

  o and listen to your mother

  o please be nice to the people who work the pretzel booths at
    the mall, thank you

  o warning: can cause Presidential fainting.


The January-February issue of "Fire Apparatus Journal," not likely
available at a newsstand near you, contains an extensive, exhaus-
tive account of September 11th by Battalion Chief and "FAJ" Editor
John A. Calderone, as told from the Fire Department's perspective,
with a particular emphasis on the affected apparatus.  Plus a
dozen-plus photos, terrible as they depict, of wrecked or wrecked-
and-recovered rigs.  (See http://www.fireapparatusjournal.com/ for
subscription and other information.)

Some of the more staggering facts 'n' factoids presented in the

  o some estimates estimate the impact of the second aircraft
    and subsequent detonation of almost 11,000 gallons of jet
    fuel was the equivalent of over two million sticks of dyna-

  o structural failure was perhaps first hinted at as telephone
    calls to 911 around 9:47 a.m. indicating a collapse of the
    105th floor.  Minutes later, small "popping explosions" and
    cracking sounds were reported from the burning floors of
    the south tower.  The tower collapsed at 9:59 a.m.

  o no policy was in place to relay such information between
    dispatch center and fireground command, thus the aforemen-
    tioned information was not passed along.  Same for the ob-
    servations of an NYPD helicopter that reported the remain-
    ing tower "leaning towards the southwest" at 10:26 a.m,
    two minutes prior to collapse

  o the air displaced by the building collapses created "vio-
    lent expulsions of air" in every direction, creating wind
    conditions estimated at "well over 200 mph," powerful e-
    nough to toss around fire trucks "as if they were toys"

  o taking seven years to build, World Trade Center Towers #2
    and #1 collapsed in 10 and 8 seconds, respectively

  o the resulting pile of debris, from both collapsed towers,
    was 10 stories high

  o the impact of the collapsing towers registered 2.7 on the
    Richter Scale, the "equivalent of a small earthquake"

  o nearly 4000 people were killed, including 343 members of
    the FDNY, including the First Deputy Commissioner, the
    Chief of the Department, a chaplain, two assistant chiefs,
    18 battalion chiefs, 20 captains, 47 lieutenants, a fire
    marshal, 250 firefighters, and two paramedics.

  o over 2500 patients were transported from the scene by am-
    bulance; approximately 5830 people were treated at 73 city
    hospitals; 600 "civilians" were hospitalized, 150 in crit-
    ical condition

  o another 2000 injured were treated at hospitals outside New
    York City and in nearby New Jersey

  o an estimated 87% of the people present in the World Trade
    Center were evacuated; firefighters carried out "the larg-
    est successful fire rescue operation ever undertaken,"
    safely removing approximately 26,000 people prior to the

  o water pressure was a problem, as water mains were severed
    in the collapse.  FDNY fireboats, aided by a now private-
    ly owned former FDNY boat, commenced supplying water from
    the Hudson River several blocks away and continued pump-
    ing for three days

  o to replace personnel lost during the collapse, 168 members
    of the FDNY were promoted to various ranks on September 15;
    as quickly as was possible, a class of 311 "probies" (pro-
    bationary firefighters) was hired and entered the Fire Aca-
    demy at the end of October

  o select press reports were inaccurate, such as those about
    NY and NJ "mutual aid" fire companies filling in at FDNY
    fire stations.  They operated their *own* apparatus, with
    only FDNY personnel operating FDNY apparatus.  No retired
    FDNY members were returned to active duty, nor was any used
    apparatus placed in service after the collapse.  No new
    apparatus deliveries to *other* fire departments were di-
    verted to New York, nor did apparatus manufacturers refuse
    orders to concentrate on New York

  o ninety-three FDNY vehicles, with estimated replacement cost
    of $50 million, were destroyed.  They included: 18 pumpers,
    7 rear-mount ladders, 4 "tillered" ladders, 4 aerial towers,
    2 heavy rescues, 2 high-rise units, a tactical support un-
    it, 3 'haz-mat" tenders, the technical response vehicle, a
    satellite hose wagon, a field communications van, a mask ser-
    vice truck, 5 ambulances, 17 "suburbans," 24 sedans, and 2
    shop repair trucks.

  o most apparatus damage resulted from heavy debris and "struc-
    tural building components" from the collapse.  Some were ov-
    erturned by the displaced air during the collapse.  Others
    were damaged by fire, probably from burning jet fuel spread
    during the collapse

  o two of the fire trucks were so badly damaged "they could on-
    ly be identified by the serial numbers on their axles"

  o replacement rigs came from several sources:  spares returned
    to service, trucks formerly assigned to the training academy,
    demonstration models on loan to the city, and, in the case of
    battalion commanders, hastily acquired Chevy Yukons, Ford Ex-
    cursions, Chevy Suburbans, Jeep Grand Cherokees, and Ford
    Crown Vics "of assorted colors," each given graphics and warn-
    ing devices, and to be later repainted "as time and resources

  o the FDNY shop performed "superhuman feats" in the days follow-
    ing the attacks, repairing and returning to service approxi-
    mately 170 other apparatus damaged but not destroyed in the
    collapses, including "65 pumpers, 43 ladder trucks, 12 special
    units," and the rest being ambulances, suburban, sedans, or
    other support vehicles.  All were evaluated, decontaminated,
    cleaned, tested, with windshields and windows replaced, and
    "re-equipped" with equipment.  And all in the space of six

  o approximately $8 million of tools and equipment was destroyed,
    damaged, or lost, requirement replacement of hose, hand tools,
    extrication equipment, air bottles, air bags, etc.

  o in addition to apparatus for firefighting duties, additional
    funeral "caissons" were needed for the many memorial services
    that numbered over twenty "on any given date" and are typical-
    ly performed using a 1983 American LaFrance pumper devoted to
    this purpose.  Casket transports were supplied by other metro
    departments, as well as from a private collector and a fire
    apparatus company who provided a pair of Mack pumpers from
    1946 and 1984, respectively.



Will "cut hair" for food.

Copyright 2002 by Michael J. Legeros



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