Living Hell - Volume #2, Issue #7


June 30, 2002

Special Bathroom Humor Edition!


  o Introduction
  o Limericks
  o Jokes
  o Quotes
  o Rhymes
  o Profundity
  o Confessions (interspersed)
  o Analysis
  o Next Up


For not better reason than because, I once spent several weeks dur-
ing the first of five years at North Carolina State University
transcribing... bathroom graffiti.  Scribblings, scrawlings, and
permanent markings of limericks, quotations, and other odd rhymes.
Basically, anything that made me laugh.  From dormitory building to
classroom complex, I jumped from john to john, recording in a 79-
cent notebook the best of poo-poo and pee-pee while enduring condi-
tions comparable to the hazardous-materials training received in a
subsequent decade.  I wandered the breadth of campus that spring,
poking about stalls and enduring odd looks.  Lots of mouth-breath-
ing.  Lots of hand-washing.  And, when finished, twenty pages of
notes that were promptly forgotten after the notebook was tossed in
the top dresser drawer.  That is, until now...


There once was a girl from Nantucket,
  whose a** was as big as a bucket,

But she cried in despair,
  'cause it was covered with hair,
  and nobody wanted to f*** it


There once was a young guy named Dave,
  who found a dead whore in a cave,

She was ugly as sh*t,
  and missing one t*t,
  but think of the money he saved!


An insatiable coed named Joan,
  had a super-sized dildo of bone,

Which is why after class,
  though a sociable lass,
  she's been known to get off on her own


A sly young girl named Sue,
  filled her vagina with glue,

She said with a grin,
  if they pay to get in,
  they'll pay to get out of it too


There once was a young guy named Glen,
  whose peter was skinny and thin,

He was always ashamed,
  and with no one to blame,
  when the girls finally asked "is it in?"


There once was a man from Harass,
  whose b*lls were both made out of brass,

And in stormy weather,
  they'd both rub together,
  and lightning would shoot out of his a**


There once was a girl named Mada,
  who slept with a real alligator,

But nobody knew,
  how good she could screw,
  'cause after he laid her he ate her


There once was a fellow named Chuck,
  who got pu**y only by luck,

So he found this sweet whore,
  who lived right next door,
  and Chuck f***ed her for 29 bucks


There once was a lady from France,
  who got on the wrong train by chance,

The engineer f***ed her,
  and then the conductor,
  but the brakeman just shot in his pants


There once was a man from St. Clair,
  who f***ed his wife upon the stair,

But on the 49th stroke,
  the banister broke,
  so he finished her off in mid-air


There once was a man from Peru,
  who fell asleep in his canoe,

He dreamt of a venus,
  and pulled out his penis,
  and woke up with a handful of goo


There once was a man from Orleans,
  who invented a beat-off machine,

But on the 49th stroke,
  the damn thing broke,
  and beat his poor meat to a cream


There once was a young girl named Alice,
  who used TNT as a phallus,

They found her vagina,
  in South Carolina,
  and the rest of poor Alice in Dallas


There once was a man named Kent,
  whose p*cker was terribly bent,

To save himself trouble,
  he stuck it in double,
  and instead of cumming he went


There once was a young girl from Nises,
  whose breasts were of unequal sizes,

The left one was small,
  hardly nothing at all,
  the right was quite large and won prizes


There once was a young man from Cape Horn,
  who wished he had never been born,

And he wouldn't have grown,
  if his father had known,
  that the end of his rubber was torn


There once was a young guy named Lance,
  who met a young girl at a dance,

At intermission,
  without her permission,
  he showed her the thing in his pants

Confessions #1

My girlfriend douched with Pine-sol,
  and went to sleep with me,

And in my dreams,
  so real it seems,
  that I ate a Christmas tree


Q: Why did the pimp drop out of school?

A: He decided to book the cracks instead of cracking the books


Q: What's the difference between a pickpocket and a pepping tom?

A: One snatches watches, the other watches snatches


Q: Why did the UNC student cross the road?

A: To earn three credits for graduation

Confessions #2

When I was young and had no sense,
  I pissed upon an electric fence,

It burned my d*ck,
  and grilled my balls,
  and made me sh*t in my overalls


Be a man, flush the can


If you miss, when you p*ss,
Be real nice, wipe it twice


If you miss, when you p*ss,
Be a sweetie, wipe the seatie


This is a tee pee, for you to pee pee,
It's not a wig wom, to beat your tom tom


Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear,
who tried to shave his pubic hair,

Said the wounded, remorseful bear,
"guess I should've tried some Nare"


The night was dark, the sky was blue,
the sh*t train came a flyin' through,

There was a bump, a scream was heard,
a man was killed by a flying turd


Old Mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard,
to fetch her poor doggy a bone,

But when she bent over, Rover took over,
'cause Rover had a boner of his own


Here lie the bones of Ernie McGlick,
born to the world with a cork-screw d*ck,

He spent his life on an endless hunt,
in search of the girl with a cork-screw c*nt,

But when he found her, he fell dead,
that g****** bitch had a left-hand thread

Confessions #3

Here I sit, smelling the vapor,
  took a sh*t and got not paper,

I'm late to class, I must not linger,
  look out a**, here comes the finger


To do is to be - Plato
To be is to do - Sarte
Do be do be do - Sinatra
Yabba dabba do - Flintstone

Flush twice, it's a long way to Chapel Hill

Flush twice, it's a long way to the dining Hall

Don't throw toothpicks in the toilet, crabs pole-vault!

Confucius say man who f*** on ground, have piece on Earth

E = mc2.  Nice work Einstein, but next time show your work

A fool and his money are soon Republicans

Confessions #4

Here I sit, smelling no vapor,
  faking a sh*t and needing no paper,

I've been caught, I must admit,
  beating my meat, not taking a sh*t


Life is like an umbrella...
  When you're up, it rains,
  When you're down, it shines

Life is like a c*ck...
  When it's soft, you can't beat it,
  When it's hard, you get f***ed

Life is like a sh*t sandwich...
  The more bread you have,
  The less sh*t you have to eat

Virginity is like a balloon...
  One prick and it's gone

Confessions #5

I, upon the brazen heath,
  am holding on but by my teeth,

And in the end, I think I'll find,
  that I have simply lost my mind


Total number of lines: 159

Total number of words: 1029

Total number of asterisks: 49


References to male anatomy: 17

References to female anatomy: 12

References to joining of male and female anatomy: 11


References to, uh, self-gratification: 7

References to, uh, other functions: 8


References to animals: 3

References to reptiles: 1

References to crustaceans: 1


Jokes at expense of rival UNC: 2

Jokes at expense of Republicans: 1

Copyright 2002 by Michael J.  Legeros




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