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THE HOUSE OF MIRTH, an explosive, hyper-kinetic, ultra-violent I wish Edith Wharton adaptation, stars Gillian "Scully and Crossbones" Ander- son as a cash-strapped husband hunter in turn-of-the-century New York. She's got the looks, is of the right age, and appears bred from rea- sonably healthy stock. Her *hots*, however, are for a smirking, dim- pled-chin (chinned?) art collector (Eric Stoltz), but he's not biting and probably 'cause she's so shameless in her "shopping." And so mer- rily, merrily the Modern Bride-to-Be spins along, attempting to turn heads, particularly those attached to wealthy male bodies. (Transla- tion: an ass-load of stately flirtations, batted eyes, and, in reac- tion, upturned noses.) The costumes in this one are stunning and, when combined with the equally eye-popping sets, result in museum- quality indoor shots. The dialogue, adapted from Wharton's novel by writer/director Terence Davies, is cracklin' good at times, too. And the occasional cattiness-- between rival femme fisherwomen-- is fun to watch. (Nice theme of female self-sufficiency, too!) Too bad the performances are so damn stilted. Sure, all those nine-month pregnant pauses are probably period-perfect, but the net effect, scene after scene, interaction after interaction, is a movie that appears moving in slow-motion. Admittedly, a big chunk o' problem is Anderson, who is a fascinating error. She looks unsure in most scenes, her gaze oft-vacant and her naturally raised upper-lip lending the effect that her character has just whiffed something woof!. And she moves with the mechanical fra- gility of a glass figurine who expects to break at the very next mis- step. (Hell, even her *voice* sounds wrong. Was she dubbed?) Sure, *some* (controlled) fire erupts here and there. Laura Linney's a bitchy stitch as "Bertha." And Dan Aykroyd (!) gooses the first hour to life when his financially assisting "Gus" angrily demands compensa- tion of a, ahem, non-monetary sort. His is a glorious blast of fast, firm emotion in an otherwise cold, settled soup of "molassic" melodra- ma. We left at the one-fifteen mark, bored... With Terry Kinney, An- thony LaPaglia, Jodhi May, Elizabeth McGovern, and Eleanor Bron as a disapproving aunt. Now *there* is a ready-made Star Wars villain! With those stringy locks and dark, hollow eyes, she'd be a perfect Em- porer-ess! (Rated "PG"/140 min.) Grade: W/O Copyright 2001 by Michael J. Legeros Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros