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SHANGHAI NOON, get it?, does the perpetually domestically under- utilized Jackie Chan a disservice in three ways. First, the tone isn't light-enough. I mean, involuntary prayer is induced within *seconds* of hearing Randy Edelman's epic-sounding score over the opening credits. Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, please don't let this movie take itself as seriously as the music suggests. And, Jeez Louise, it does. Second is Chan's pairing with leading wimp Owen Wilson, of ARMAGEDDON and THE HAUNTING "fame." (Now *there's* a double-bill from Hell!) This guy's got less screen appeal than even Jar-Jar Binks! Third and most appointing is the lack of ac- tion. No, not of the rootin', tootin', shootin', and train rob- bin' variety. All *those* hoary cliches are here in spades! Ra- ther, it's too little of Chan's breathtaking martial arts choreo- graphy. Having our hearts leaps into our throats only once or *twice* is clearly not nearly enough... Grade: C Copyright 2000 by Michael J. Legeros Movie Hell is a trademark of Michael J. Legeros