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                   Letters to Hell - December, 1997

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Contents
========

 - Death Metal
 - Why the Hell
 - Not a Problem
 - To Serve Lists
 - Standard Issue
 - Bugged
 - Best or Favorite
 - Flames A-Plenty


Death Metal
===========

[ From: Craig in Atlanta ]
[ Re: I was wondering... ]

> I play in a death metal band called Narcolepsy.  We are looking 
> for a guitarist and, based on your posting, I thought you might 
> know someone.

[ No, but I know someone who falls asleep during movies... ] 


Why the Hell
============

[ From: Justin in California ]
[ Re: People Who Walk Out of Movies Are Silly ]

> Why the Hell pay to see two hours of something and walk out after 
> 20 minutes?  I pride myself on never having walked out of a 
> movie-- except CLOCKERS on the third time I saw it, because my 
> friend passed out.  That Movie Hell guy is a wack.

[ But at least I get my money back... ]


Not a Problem
=============

[ From: Jared ]
[ Re: Wallace and Grommit ]

> This is not a problem but rather a question.  Do you know where a 
> person could get their hands on a copy of WALLACE AND GROMMIT: 
> THE BEST OF AARDMAN ANIMATION.  I would love to try and track 
> this down.

[ A CLOSE SHAVE, THE WRONG TROUSERS, and A GRAND DAY OUT are avail-
  able on videocassette.  Try Best Buy, or those mall "movie  
  stores." ]


To Serve Lists
==============

[ From: Oliver at Mindspring ]

> I've been reading your reviews for some time and have a sugges-
> tion.  A fellow named Danny Yee writes book reviews that are darn 
> happenin' and he's even set up a LISTSERV so that every time he 
> issues a new review, it automatically gets sent to all of the
> subscribers.  Have you thought of doing this?

[ I did, but the monthly fees are too high.  Does anyone happen to 
  know of a *free* LISTSERV hosting service? ]  


Standard Issue
==============

[ From: Bob in Carrboro ]
[ Re: GATTACA ]

> > And then there are those nagging story details, like business 
> > suits worn aboard rocket ships.
>
> Uh-uh.  They went into the tunnel to prep for boarding the ship, 
> but in the ship itself the astronauts wore some kind of standard-
> issue SF space clothing.  Hard to notice because of the brief 
> head-shots inside the ship, but I looked for this because the 
> business-suit thing that appeared to be going on was so improb-
> able. 

[ I'll buy that. ]


Bugged
=======

[ From: Joe in Raleigh ]
[ Re: STARSHIP TROOPERS ]

> There were times during the movie that I ground my teeth.  If 
> director Paul Verhoven is trying to make a statement about our 
> fascistic future, then maybe he should aim for an audience a 
> little brighter than regular viewers of "Beverly Hills 90210." 
> "Boy o boy, we're graduating from high school, going to the prom, 
> screwing our brains out, joining the service, showering with 
> babes, and then getting our bodies mangled by giant bugs-- cool!"

[ Hand-written sign seen at the Carmike 7:  "Warning: STARSHIP 
  TROOPERS is *extremely* gory.  And is played very, very loud." ]


Best or Favorite
================

[ From: Sara ]
[ Re: To All Members of the Online Film Critics Society ]

> I am conducting a small inquiry, in which I'm polling fellow 
> Internet film critics on their favorite films.  These polls are 
> conducted every year, when Alex Fung (also a member) gathers 
> numerous lists to determine the most critically acclaimed films.  
> Every ten years, "Sight And Sound" carries it further [and asks 
> critics to name their ten favorite films of all time].  I'm cur-
> ious as to what we would choose.  Please submit your ten films-- 
> best of favorite-- in any order.

[ Ten of my favorites: CITIZEN KANE, CASABLANCA, JAWS, THE BLUES 
  BROTHERS, THE TERMINATOR, DR. STRANGELOVE, SOME LIKE IT HOT, VER-
  TIGO, YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN, and THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION 
  PART II: THE METAL YEARS. ]


Flames A-Plenty
===============

[ From: Jake on WebTV ]
[ Re: THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE ]

> I think your review sucked because I loved the movie.  You just 
> don't understand anything.


[ From: Michael at the S.D. School of Mines and Technology ]
[ Re: EXOTICA (1994) ]

> It's hard to believe that you gave this film a chance, or watched 
> with much attention.  I hope you will.


[ From: Chad at AOL ]
[ Re: STARSHIP TROOPERS ]

> I can't believe you of all people liked this crap.  I understood 
> how and why it used the satire as kind of a disclaimer for 
> violence, but it doesn't use it nearly enough.  It's just stupid 
> action.


[ From: Jenny ]
[ Re: WITH HONORS (1994) ]

> I know you review millions and millions of movies and you're used 
> to people disagreeing, but I gotta tell you this-- WITH HONORS is 
> an awesome movie!  There is a *lot* more to it than you might 
> think.  You didn't mention how "Leaves of Grass" fits into it and 
> that's really important!  How many times have you seen it???  Go 
> see it again!!!


[ From: James at concentric.net ]
[ Re: THE GAME ]

> THE GAME is a brilliant movie.  You just don't know enough to  
> recognize it.  The part where she tells him that all his money is 
> gone, and then he wakes up in a coffin, effectively symbolizes 
> how his money kept him in "eternal sleep" just like his father.  
> The flashbacks are the best I've ever seen, especially where his 
> father leaps off the building.  The part where he goes into his 
> house-- and "my house" is painted everywhere and loud music is
> blaring-- effectively symbolizes how he has shut himself off from 
> the world.  See?  I bet you didn't notice those things.  You just 
> look at it with a snide expression and gloat to yourself, "Oh, 
> how did they guess that he would jump off the building?".  You 
> think yourself so clever.  I repeat, the movie was brilliant and 
> you're not.  Now go back and change the review.

[ Read my shoulder: not.  Good night everybody! ]



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