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                   Letters to Hell - March, 1997
 
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Contents
========

 - James Spader's Ass
 - What The Hell Does It Mean?
 - Kill Me Now
 - Oscar, Oscar, Oscar
 - Examples, Please
 - So, You're The Guy
 - Well, Duh


James Spader's Ass
==================

[ From:  Bruce at North Carolina State ]
[ Re: CRASH ] 

> I firmly agree with your appraisal of KOLYA, but CRASH gets a B? 
> Despite the fact that the movie was laden with sex and violence, 
> all I could think about was which beer to get next (I dig the 
> Rialto).  Spader was fine, but I got tired of watching his ass go 
> up and down.  Also, the hot blond babe wasn't too convincing 
> unless she was getting porked from behind.  I'd give it a D+.

[ For believability, I'd rate CRASH about the same. ]


What The Hell Does It Mean?
===========================

[ From: Daniel in Newcastle ]
[ Re: BATMAN FOREVER Goofs List ]

> Well done on the Batman FAQ page.  However, you and, indeed, 
> every BATMAN FOREVER page I've looked at, all seem to miss a very 
> important point.  And that is the recurring eye motif.  Two-
> Face's helicopter crashes into a giant eye advertisement, the 
> Statue of Liberty has its eyes chopped out, the circus floor has 
> eyes in its colours, we see Bruce's eyes very close when he wakes 
> up, etc.  What the Hell does it mean?

[ In the upcoming DVD release of BATMAN FOREVER, director Joel 
  Schumacher restores some 40 minutes of footage, originally deemed  
  "too dark" for younger viewers.  Some of those scenes involve the
  vision-- the sight-- of a giant bat, that has haunted Bruce Wayne
  into adulthood.  Perhaps the backstory is, indeed, about seeing 
  and remembered sights. ]


Kill Me Now
===========

[ From: Randy ]
[ Re: Coming Soon ]

> > MEN IN BLACK (7/2) Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith as super-
> > secret UFO investigators
>
> Sounds amusing.
> 
> > STARSHIP TROOPERS (Nov.) Paul Verhoven directs this ultra-
> > violent bug battle
> 
> Classic sci-fi as a movie *can* work.  Lets hope this does.
>
> > THE POSTMAN (Dec.) Kevin Costner delivering mail to the 
> > survivors of a nuclear war
> 
> Classic sci-fi.  And this one has Kevin Costner!  Kill me now!!!!   
> At least pluck out my eyes so I don't accidentally see a 
> preview!!!!

[ Some people sure do get excited about movies... ]


Oscar, Oscar, Oscar
===================

[ From: James at Yale ]

> > I mean, really, a montage about film editing that includes live 
> > dancing? 
> 
> Yeah -- this really bugged me.  For an overlong, bloated 3 1/2 
> hour show, the Riverdance sequence was out of place, inap-
> propriate, and stupid.  What the hell did Michale Flatley & Co. 
> have to do with film? 

[ From: Someone At AOL ]

> You know, I really hated that film editing number too.  In fact, 
> I thought it seemed kind of insulting to the editors, since you 
> couldn't tell what was going on for the dancing.  (What does 
> Riverdance have to do with editing, anyway?)

[ From: Elaine at North Carolina State University ]

> And Americans need some elocution and speech lessons.  Or maybe 
> they just need to be prepared.  That closing speech by the prod-
> ducer of THE ENGLISH PATIENT bordered on idiotic.  God.  Can't 
> these whiz-bang people say something sensible or moving for 10-15 
> sec., or at least start a mini-riot like Cuba?  If the acceptance
> speeches would only improve, it would improve the show 100%. 

[ Amen. ]


Examples, Please
================

[ From: Albert in Australia ]
[ Re: THE ENGLISH PATIENT ]
 
> I just read your review on THE ENGLISH PATIENT on the Internet 
> Movie Database site.  Suffice to say that we are at opposite ends 
> of the spectrum as far as this film is concerned.  However, its 
> good to know that not everyone feels the same way.  I am 
> intensely curious:  if this film is a long, boring sit, what 
> would you give as an example/s of wonderful, inspiring film-
> making? 

[ My top ten from last year:  FARGO, THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME,
  COURAGE UNDER FIRE, THE ROCK, SECRETS AND LIES, BOUND, COLD
  COMFORT FARM, INDEPENDENCE DAY, JERRY MAGUIRE, TRAINSPOTTING. ]


So, You're The Guy
==================

[ From: Someone at Work ]

> Well I'll be.  You're the Movie Hell guy.
> 
> I read your stuff ages ago.  Didn't make the name connection
> until I saw the link off your internal page just now.
> 
> Friendly poke - can't any reviewer write about SLING BLADE
> w/o mentioning the execrable GUMP?
> 
> You could've at least snuck in the phrase "Karl as archetypical 
> avenging angel".  Hey, why should Godfrey have all the poly-
> syllabic fun?  Heh.

[ Our local critic *does* has his fun. ]


Well, Duh
=========

[ From: Someone Else At Work ]
[ Re: KOYLA ]

> OK, here is the question.
> 
> Your review contains the line
> 
> > a confirmed old bachelor (who's likely to remain so)
> 
> What famous play does that line come from?

[ Well, I was thinking the famous play's musical counterpart, MY 
  FAIR LADY.  Heavens, what a noise!

  Good night, everybody... ]