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                   Letters to Hell - September, 1997

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Contents
========

 - Big
 - Abbreviated
 - Almost Verbatim
 - Shorts
 - Insane Problems
 - Twenty Minutes
 - Something More Interesting
 - Nursing 
 - Coo-Day-Gra
 - Little Movie Thing


Big
===

[ From: Mason at AOL ]
[ Re: AIR FORCE ONE ]

> > Is the President's 747 really that big on the inside?
>
> 4,000 square feet.  Didn't you read your popcorn bag?

[ I bought candy. ]


Abbreviated
===========

[ From:  Frank at UCLA ]
[ Re: MONEY TALKS ]

>
> What does "W/O" mean in your movie reviews?
>

[ Heh. ]


Almost Verbatim
===============

[ From: "A" ]
[ Re: FIRE DOWN BELOW ]

> I could have sworn that I read this same review almost verbatim 
> in the "News and Observer" a couple of days ago-- i.e., around 
> the 10th.  Is someone copying you, or do you write reviews for 
> them sometimes?

[ I'd hate to think of the critic that needs help assessing a bad
  Steven Seagal movie...  ]


Shorts
======

[ From: Jim at IBM ]
{ Re: GOOD BURGER ]

> Saw your comments on the ACTION LEAGUE NOW short playing with
> GOODBURGER.  FYI, that is a regular feature of a Nickelodeon
> animation program called "KaBlam" that's on a couple times a 
> week.  And it's not even the best segment of that show-- there 
> is a stop-motion cartoon about a caveman and an alien that is
> fantastic, and another (LIFE WITH LOOPY) that has some very
> innovative animation techniques.  Well worth checking out.

[ Thanks. ] 


Insane Problems
===============

[ From: "Darknite" ]
[ Re: BATMAN FOREVER Goofs List ]
             
> I just went to your BATMAN FOREVER FAQ page wanted to tell you
> something--  I think all you're trying to do is ruin something 
> great.  You create these insane *problems* with the movie and
> make people try to think twice about liking the greatest super-
> hero of all time, for crying out loud!!!!

[ Heaven forbid that I make somebody think twice. ]


Twenty Minutes
==============

[ From:  My Brother Tim, in Boston ]
[ Re: National Sneaks ]

> Things have gotten out of hand with the Sony screens in Boston.  
> Before the feature, there's a Moviephone preview, followed by a 
> Sony theater ad, followed by a long ad for Sony Online, and then, 
> as if you're still awake, a *long* Sesame Street/Muppets reel for 
> the rules and regs of the theater.  And all of *this* in addition 
> to four to five trailers for new movies!
>
> I timed it yesterday.  Twenty minutes.

[ Ugh. ]


Something More Interesting
==========================

[ From:  Knut in Norway ]
[ Re: MOVIE HELL ]

> I don't know if this has been pointed out for you, but if it's 
> such a pain for you to view films these days-- hence the title of 
> your postings, right?-- *why* go to see them?  Why don't you do 
> something more interesting, like embroideries or something?

[ Making model fire trucks out of dry pasta comes to mind.  My 
  floors are awfully slippery, though... ]


Nursing
=======

[ From: Joe ]
[ Re: ULEE'S GOLD ]

> > In her dazed and confused wake comes a kind nurse from across 
> > the street (Patricia Richardson, from "Home Improvement")
>
> Oops, your gender defaults are showing!  What, other than her 
> gender, makes you think Richardson plays a nurse?  From her 
> character's actions and attitude (including the fact that she
> had serious drugs in a medical bag), I inferred that Richardson 
> played a doctor.

[ During the movie I wondered how a nurse could get her hands on
  hard drugs.  According to the production notes, however, she's
  just that. ]


Coo-Day-Gra
===========

[ From: Corey at North Carolina State ]
[ Re: EVENT HORIZON ]

> I, and three of my intrepid cohorts, caught the flick on Friday 
> evening at Mission Valley.  M.V. is not a theater I wholehearted-
> ly enjoy or recommend, but alas, it was close and I was outvoted.
> 
> As for the theater itself, judging from the stench I'd have to 
> say that some livestock had recently passed away in the back row, 
> but, hey, it wasn't crowded.  And, for the coo-day-gra (we're 
> spelling phonetically today), the power in that half of the 
> theater decided to go out just as Kathleen Quinlan took a header 
> down that shaft.  Pisser that.  I have to say, however, that 
> nothing quite so accentuates a heart-thumping scene as to be 
> instantly thrust into darkness, followed by a subtle bathing in 
> the glow of a lone emergency light.

[ Sigh. ]


Little Movie Thing
==================

[ From:  An AOL user ]
[ Re: WHEN THE CAT IS AWAY ]

> You need to stick to movies like INDEPENDENCE DAY and TERMINATOR
> 6.  Quality movies are sometimes like other types of art:  they
> take patience and intellect to appreciate.  I can understand
> people not liking WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY because it is a "slice of
> life" type of movie that Americans aren't crazy about.  (Only
> Spike Lee makes them here.)  But it's funny to see such intoler-
> ance and narrow-mindedness from somebody that sees himself as a
> reviewer.  If your little movie thing pans out and you find your-
> self doing more reviewing, you'll find yourself getting tired of
> TWISTER 5 and SPEED 8 and wish that directors had more original-
> ity and thought in their work.  In other words, you haven't 
> acquired the taste for movies like CAT'S and that's okay.  It's 
> your life.  Just don't deceive yourself into thinking you know 
> something about cinema.

[ Phew.  Guess I'd better hold off on that commemorative ENGLISH 
  PATIENT essay!  Plus, that scene with David Letterman and the
  biplane is *so* cryptic...  Good night everybody! ]